I have a lot of thoughts about the Slammys, and very unlike me I’m gonna throw them all in here and hope people don’t bitch too much…ya know…like a Divas match.
“Tell Me I Did Not Just See That” Moment
Winner: Jim Ross dancing
First of all, when Hornswoggle came out in the afro I knew immediately this was just going to piss me off.
And I was right. But, J.R. wins. Ok. Cool. Whatever.
Then what followed was maybe one of the worst segments in WWE history. Cole interrupts, and just goes on this wild ass tirade and then challenges J.R. to a rap battle or some shit. Really, honkies? You two? Arguably two of the whitest people in the planet? Ok…
And fans everywhere just stared into their TV sets as if they were having a hallucination. Because there’s no way WWE is embarrassing us like this right now. They’re just taking a giant dump right on national television in front of everyone. Can you imagine if that segment was someone’s first time watching wrestling ever? Imagine that. Are you embarrassed? Because I am.
I was reading an article about how Michael Cole is really the voice of Vince McMahon on RAW. But, jesus christ, after last night, maybe this shit is true. Someone tweeted something about how during the Punk/Orton v. Del Rio/Miz match Cole was still bitching about J.R. fucking up the rap. Which seems like a very Vince thing to do to me…
But really it doesn’t even matter. It’s still stupid. J.R. posted on Twitter he had a brain fart and that was the worst segment he ever killed. No baby, it’s ok. It was way over before that.
Holy Shit Move Of The Year
Winner: Big Show/Mark Henry ring collapse
Big Show and Lesnar did it better. What the fuck was this shit?
Pipe Bomb Of The Year
Winner: CM Punk
Not for what was actually the Pipe Bomb Of The Year, though. The infamous promo was never mentioned, and I suspect probably won’t be mentioned much by WWE. Which is unfortunate…but I hope I’m wrong.
Winner: Kelly Kelly
Because adding -licious at the end of it totally makes sense. Wrestling? Nah. So, Kelly Kelly wins. Beth and Natty come out. My prediction was pretty damn on point…
OMG! Moment Of the Year
Winner: HHH Tombstones The Undertaker
Airbourne should have won. The fans decide what are OMG! moments, WWE, not you. Nice try though!
Winner: Dolph Ziggler or Zack Ryder
I don’t actually know because they said they were gonna have a match to determine the winner…which was Ziggler…then King said they had to open the envelope and see.
…well why did you just have the match, fucknuts? And Ryder won. Well, of course Ryder wins…but we can’t give the IWC that totally. Ok.
Game Changer Of The Year
Winner: The Rock/Cena Match Announcement
Let’s be clear. It’s just the announcement. NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET. They had to do this, otherwise golden boy John Cena wouldn’t have gotten an award. He hasn’t been involved in much of the awesome this year except for the CM Punk match.
Here’s the deal, this isn’t a game changer. After this match, nothing will be different. Ya know what was actually a game changer? Edge having to retire in real life…as champion. You have to restructure all the storylines. Ya know…make actual changes. That was a big thing this year. Nothing for that? And then to have Christian giving the award? I don’t know. It felt a little like a slap in the face to me.
The Rock is amazing, but he’s not a game changer anymore. If he had stayed and evolved…maybe. But that’s not the same. The gimmick is stale and gets by purely on nostalgia. If that’s what WWE is calling game-changing. Greenwich, we have a problem.
A-Lister Of The Year
Snooki’s not an A-List celebrity. The Muppets outshone her. However, that said…honest to god I want her to become a wrestler. She has the potential. She could do some great things. Everytime I see her match at Wrestlemania I feel this way. But obviously it pays more to play a drunken bimbo. I get it. I wish she would choose differently…but it is what it is.
And…Miss Piggy is a bawse. I just need everyone to understand that.
Superstar Of The Year
Winner: CM Punk
Of course. But then…we got Laurinaitis. You give CM Punk the title because the IWC wanted it, but then only let him keep it for a short time, let most of the momentum die from his push so you could give him the title when it wouldn’t mean having to change anything in your organization at all, and then when THE FANS actually picked him to win…THE ONLY THING YOU ASKED US TO DO…we didn’t even get to celebrate with him.
You couldn’t even give the Internet Wrestling Community that? Not even that one little thing? Let me tell y’all something…the failure to value the Internet Wrestling Community (which again, is pretty much all fans old enough to use the internet) is going to be the downfall of your company. People only take being shat on for so long. Being openly disrespectful to customers? Not smart.
So then it’s time for the Main Event…
….and all the dumb shit that happened was momentarily forgotten and awesome reigned:
Twitter blew up! The fans blew up! We had people saying it was actually The Undertaker. There was all this speculation…would he have a mask, wouldn’t he have a mask, would it be the same mask….should he even put the mask back on?
This is why Masked Kane is infinitely better than #KaneLite. We’ve seen this man’s face for damn near 10 years, and still people are wondering who is under the mask. Kane puts on a mask and it gives his character mystery, depth, and badassness. We all know how I feel about badassness. And dare I say…Kane looks really hot with the mask! I don’t think Glen Jacobs is good looking. Masked Kane? HAWT. In the ring. Naked. Right now. With pyro.
I mean, who was Kane Lite? What was his gimmick besides being a big guy? At first he had a story…and that’s why he took the mask off. But after a while he was just another big guy and no one really cared. The mask gives him a story…I can’t wait to hear why he put it back on! It’s made Kane fresh and relevant again in this new generation. Plus, it gives him a last hurrah and hopefully opens up a feud with The Undertaker and they can both retire on good terms. We’ll all cry (Well, I’ll cry) and we will all have a good memory.
So glad to have Kane back.
WAIT! And the new theme music! OMGGGGGGG! THE NEW THEME MUSIC! IT IS SO BADASS! HOLY SHIT I LOVE IT! #MarkOut.
Ok, I’m done now.